I have so many things that I need to post up here on the blog. So busy this past month and so much to document. But right now, instead of posting pictures of glamorous trips (though I really slacked on the pictures!) or describing fun things I've been up to, I decided to use this space for therapeutic purposes.
I am stressed and overwhelmed and perma-exhausted. I have cried more in the past month than I have in the past four years. Seriously. And I don't want pity. And I'm not looking for people to scoff at me either. I just don't want to look back at this time in my life with a hazy vision of perfection. I am sure that y'all know what I am talking about. Like something really sucks in the moment but hindsight isn't just 20/20, it also just skips over the not-so-nice stuff. You know?
My life is very, very full right now. In a busy way but more so in an everything at once way. I feel like I have to devote myself to 7 different areas of my life right. now., and so whole-heartedly, that it's actually not possible. And I don't want to complain or gripe, which really is just an apology for the fact that all I do is complain and gripe. I feel like everything is stacking against me and no matter how many things I try to tackle and knock off the list, it's growing at rapid speeds. Before you know it, you come home from your new city without a place to live, you still don't have a job, that dream apartment you wanted? yeah that slipped out of your hands today, and the air conditioning isn't going to be available for your wedding in 53 days. All ye wedding guests, bring many outfits to sweat through because it could be the worst night of your life. So here we are. Admitting that the game of tetris won and I was unable to stack the blocks in the right place and the right time, and they built too high and now what?
Well, the first thing is admitting that I am not perfect. I am such a planner and I hate that there are so many unknowns right now. I am used to my organized planning being enough. I'll put everything in order so when something comes up, you solve for x. Easy. And then just solve for x over and over and over again. Now though, I am solving for x,y, and z in one equation and I am not a mathematician. I am really glad that I have people in my life who remind me of this fact. Reminding me that this is not a point to despair at. This is a moment to realize that trust in the Lord is, in fact, the only option. So, to everyone who holds onto hope for me when I struggle, I appreciate you, so much. And you know who you are. This is my song and my prayer for you.
And this is my reality check when I read back on this sometime in the future (as I am sure that not-a-one other person has continued reading this far, including my mother), my life is not perfect, and I don't pretend it is. This whole plan a wedding and prepare for marriage, and move across the country, and find a job, and ... is not a walk in the park. Or maybe it is for other people but it is definitely not for me. So I am taking comfort in the fact that I am not meant to do this alone. And I am praising the Lord for the joys He continuously brings. And I am thanking Him for the man He gave in my vocation. The man who works tirelessly to bring me closer to heaven. The man who sends text messages on your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that read, "... but the world is being really unfair and rough on us right now and you know what? Screw it. It hated Him first and we are blessed for that. So I will take solace in Him and do my best to shelter you in turn."
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