Be Warned

If you've ever awoken to your alarm after a night of hectic sleep with two bathroom breaks in an air conditioned room with a thermostat that reads 71 degrees and already have sweat through your pajamas because the weather app tells you said air conditioner is a liar and that it's actually a high of 92 and your hormonal self starts crying because you don't know how you will survive the next 12 hours until the sun goes down (although let's be real that doesn't change anything), be warned you might just be 7 months pregnant in the summer.

So you want to know how to survive this? Well let me provide some expert advice (if you can call a first timer an expert):

1. I will not judge you, your husband will not judge you, any woman who has ever been pregnant in the history of ever (that includes you Princess Middleton) will not judge you if your home becomes a pants free zone for the next 3 months. Pants are restricting and sweat inducing, nobody needs that. But just to prove the life is not fair and there is a limit to the pregnancy-sympathy of strangers, this still doesn't apply outside of your own home. I cannot emphasize that enough!

2. Drink plenty of water. You really don't have a choice in this matter because you'll constantly feel so dehydrated that you'll laugh at your first trimester self's need for water to be ice cold to be worthy of your lips. Fair warning, your ratio of water intake to bathroom trips builds exponentially. One glass of water, pee once an hour. Two glasses of water? Pee 4 times an hour. Three glasses of water at 6PM? Are you planning on sleeping tonight between those bathroom breaks?

3. Costume changes. I used to think that I wasn't that much of a sweater. It takes a long time for my not pregnant self to pit through shirts and my hands are generally dry. I even used to go so far as to be grossed out by moist hand holding at the Our Father. Well know that I am grossed out with myself when I admit that I go though many outfits in a day. I live in my pajamas until I need to leave the house and then I get dressed for the day, that is until I start to smell and then I get dressed for the day again. And right after dinner I deem it's time for pajamas again and, if I'm lucky, I won't sweat through these before I actually fall asleep. All this to say that the advice is to be prepared with many outfits and to be comfortable and confident with things that once disgusted you.

4. I bag of mixed frozen berries can go a long, long way. Rest the bowl on your belly for a nice cool down and enjoy the dessert for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert. I mean your 7 months pregnant, no one is judging you for how much you eat!

5. Buy. More. Tank Tops.

6. Find a friend with a pool. *Note: I'm still looking; any takers?

7. Embrace the double standard. Your back is killing you? Find a seat and prop up those feet. If anyone sees your discomfort and offers any help, take them up on that offer immediately. There is no shame in people (read: your husband) bringing you ice packs, food, water, foot massages, etc. That said, there are also times when you have done nothing but sit all day long and you're looking for a break. Go on long walks to the ice cream store, push that heavy cart through Target and when people try and tell you to take a break or prop up your feet, embrace the double standard and go on about how you are still a capable woman.

8. If you are planning to leave the house for the day, do it either early in the morning or late in the evening when it's a little cooler (ha!) so you can get your productivity out of the way and not feel guilty about holeing up in your bedroom (the one room in the house with AC) with Netflix and prenatal yoga for the rest of the day.

So what do you say to this expert advice? And if anyone so much as thinks about mentioning the idea that it's only going to get worse over the next 3 months, off with your head.